Welcome everyone. I am your astrologist, Mateo Andrade Lairana, and I have gazed into the abyss, and have now learned the meaning of the stars. I see the future, and you have to do exactly what these horoscopes tell you, or else, you might fall to a worse destiny. So, check these 100% real and not fake horoscopes!
Aries
To my Arieses out there, hey, you might want to lay off of those cheese puffs, you’ve been acting kind of quirky lately. I know it’s sad that the cosmos make Arieses weaker against cheese puffs, but we cannot fight the universe.
Taurus
For Tauruses: I know you want to do stuff for da ladies, but I know society is holding you back. So to that I say screw it! You don’t necessarily need a driver’s license if there are no witnesses left, so get in your father’s car and teach ’em the real meaning of being a Taurus!
Gemini
Hey girls, we all know the struggles of being a Gemini, especially with that other girl Tiffany. Oh Tiffany, that silly loner! She has always been so successful, but nobody knows the horrors she did! You absolutely deserved those extra Bs. 1000 for rent! And what if you wasted it all gambling? After she gave it to you, it’s your money! It’s gemini time: to fix your relationship with her, invite her over for a nice cup of tea. After you’ve eaten some pastries, invite her for a sleepover. Using some good-old gemini persuasive tactics, you can finally take her to the edge of The Cliff, and then a little push in the bed she’s sleeping in… and voilà! Your problems have been solved, Geminis!
Cancer
Socializing is hard, my dear Cancers! I know you get quite a bit of slack from doing unfunny jokes and not socializing, but that’s absolute nonsense. You have to break out of your shell. You have to make one gigantic joke that will rock your friends’ socks off. Now, I won’t tell you exactly what you must do, but I would recommend the “sitting in the middle of the road” prank. Block those cars, and see cars desperately trying to brake in time to not run you over. Then see them do a hoot and a holler when realizing that it was all a joke! Ha ha!
Leo
Oh Leos, you know you deserve the world. And I’m going to give it to ya! First, you need to have money. Lots of money. Then give it all away! In a moving vehicle, throw your bills out on the street! The people will instantly love you!
Virgo
Virgos, it is time to talk. We have had rough times pretending to protect those that are important to us, but I believe that it is time to remove the mask. It is time to stop defending others, and to start making them protect themselves. So get your whistle and boxing gloves, and start training! If your dog does not tear that boxing glove into a thousand pieces in less than 24 hours, leave it astray in the middle of the road to Oruro! That will teach ’em!
Libra
They support and help their friends, confident
Libras, we need to do what we love best: helping others! And what better way to do it than baking a cake? You can also throw it at your friends!
Scorpio
It’s time to open up the valve, Scorpios. I would recommend plotting a bit of mischief in the school, like not washing your hands, saying “bad day” instead of “good day” to teachers greeting you, and vandalizing the entire school with tasteless humour that will make the janitors cry. Prank’t!
Sagittarius
Yo, it’s the Sagitarii! (Sagitariuses?) I know you make some good knee-slappers, so I’ll give you some valuable life advice: quit school, quit university, and start a YouTube channel based around comedy! Yeah, quit these slow, dated ways to make way for this cool new job! Completely sustainable!
Capricorn
Oh you Capricorns. I know that you guys are very lively and energetic, so I would recommend you find that energy to good use! Join a circus!
Aquarius
I know you Aquariuses are looking for something better to do, and I agree! Your beauty can’t go to waste! Go inside a tank in an aquarium (taken from your zodiac sign), and sit there for the rest of your life as the rest of society stares at you, like a zoo! #AquariusProblems
Pisces
Alright Pisces, it’s time to spit it out. You have to go tell everyone the truth. Now, every Pisces has to admit to this, and now you have to admit it too. Round up your parents, and tell them that you believe in horoscopes. Watch their pride in you shrivel. But you don’t need them! You’re a Pisces! You can do anything without society reprimanding you!
