It is said that we accept the love we think we deserve. I believe this to be one of the main causes of heartbreak. As teenagers who have not yet fully matured, we are bound to fall for people who will break our heart, or become someone who breaks another person’s heart. We do not know what we want in a romantic relationship since it is all so new, so we accept any love thrown our way. This is also why almost all high school relationships only last from a couple of weeks up to 3 months, after which the initial excitement of being with someone begins to fade away, and one can finally begin to determine if there’s any potential for “true love.” In spite of this ever-present reality, we do fall in love. Whether or not we are receiving the love we actually deserve does not factor in at that precious moment, making falling in love that much unpredictable and inevitable.
Sadly, the odds dictate that this love will not result in some fairytale ending. You might find yourself in a position where you will have to let go of a person you care for. So, for those who might be a victim of the destroyer of relationships that is the quarantine, or those who were involved in painful heartbreak, here are the steps that will guarantee you fall out of love:
- Embrace Your Feelings
Allowing ourselves to fall under sadness and disappointment seems counterintuitive at first, but it is the only way to process loss or pain in a healthy way. Avoiding this can lead to emotional struggle and these repressed feelings might sneak up on you weeks, months, or even years later. Just get it all out of the way from the beginning. A VERY important point to remember is that it is not about controlling your emotions, but instead, controlling your actions. It is okay to stay in bed or cry if that is what your feelings mandate as long as the next day you wake up and decide that you will work on something such as homework, or get up and go for a short run, even though you might still be sad. Take it one step at a time and incorporate new actions until you get back on your normal routine. Eventually, your feelings will align with these positive actions and the sadness will begin to dissipate.
- Surround Yourself with Loved Ones
When I experienced my first heartbreak, I felt as if I had lost a romantic partner and a best friend at the same time. It was very easy to focus on this loss and the fact that I did not have this person anymore rather than focusing on everything that I did have. And what I did have was so much more. I surrounded myself with my closest friends and being with/talking to them was a turning point. I became so grateful to have so many wonderful individuals in my life that the loss of only one of them did not seem like such a big deal anymore. You should even rekindle old connections. There are countless sources of new happiness everywhere.
- Recognize the Bad but Don’t Discredit the Good
John Steinbeck once said that nothing good gets away. To clarify, this does not necessarily mean that your ex-partner was a bad person, but they were a bad person for you. If the person was right, you should not have to fall out of love with them in the first place.
When we are inside the “bubble” of love and relationships, our vision becomes blinded to all of the flaws. Or rather we see these flaws as insignificant compared to their “perfections”. Begin to accept that the relationship was not as perfect as you thought it was and point out the flaws you could not see before. For example, whenever you think of a moment such as the time you both spent watching the sunset, keep that beautiful moment in mind but also don’t forget that maybe, that same day, they said something insensitive that hurt you deeply. Now, based on how your relationship truly was, this step might make you angry at first. You are perfectly allowed to feel this way if they caused you pain or treated you badly as long as you realize that, in the end, the best thing to do is to forgive them. Filling your heart with anger and resentment will only ruin your enjoyment of life in the future.
Also, a common mistake I have seen a lot of people make is that they tell themselves they are better off without their ex-partner and that they will find someone better. You will not find someone “better” since that is all based on your own perception, not on the person itself. When you love someone, they are that “better”, they are exactly what you want. The only thing you can do better is to love someone else. Eventually, you will find someone who will love you better and who you will love better and they will become exactly what you want. Do not strip the other person of all of their great qualities, they were probably a wonderful person to love, just not the person you are meant to love to the best of your abilities.
If they did something like cheat on you then ignore that last part. They are scum.
- Grieve the Loss of Someone Who No Longer Exists
The final step before permanently getting over the person you love is to realize that the version of the person you love no longer exists. As time passes by, you will realize just how much that person has changed. Sometimes, this change will occur immediately after the relationship ends, or it will be a gradual change, but change will always happen. You maybe hear about them from others and the person might still be great and all, but you should realize that they are describing someone who is not the person you love anymore so they now become the person you once loved.
After accepting this, things become pretty different- you might still care for them of course, and maybe even miss them(or rather, who they were) from time to time, but you no longer want them back.
BONUS: Watch the ‘Jigsaw’ episode from Daniel Sloss’ Live Show available on Netflix. It will change your outlook on relationships and might even make you feel grateful that you are single.
I know this process is not easy. If it were possible to just talk yourself out of loving
someone, love would be a joke. If it was true love, you may very well never be able to get rid of all the love you have for them. However, this love is transformed. After going through all of the steps we mentioned above, it becomes a nostalgic form of love. The kind of love you feel towards a childhood memory of something that once made you very happy. You still wish the person the same things you did back when you were in love with them: you wish for them to succeed, find happiness, and you get excited over their wins in life but it now pretty much ends there.
While this is quite a beautiful note to end on, I am sorry to say that once you get to this part you also have to realize that it is probably not the last time you will have to go through this falling-out-of-love debacle, but you can always access the Cougar Press years from now and come back here whenever you need it.