Who Put Pineapples on Pizza?

People argue over everything and anything; the death penalty, political ideals, soccer teams, but, the most heated debate of as all is: should pineapples go on pizza? I might get some backlash for this, but the reality is that if you like pineapple on pizza, this might be an indicator of the early stages of madness (a joke by the way). I remember the first time I ever tried it; how could I ever forget. I bit off the smallest of corners because even looking at a pineapple pizza looked grotesque. Then, I started to chew on it. It was disgusting. The pizza itself had a different texture than the pineapple. The pizza was soft and salty, while the pineapples were hard, sweet, and juicy. The combination of flavors was vulgar and reminded me that maybe I’m the only sane person on this planet. 

If you are a fan of pineapples on pizza let me tell you this. Do you even know how much damage you are doing to yourself? From that moment on you’ll start liking foods that are not great. You may even lose your taste buds (I don’t have evidence, but I also don’t doubt it). According to Bohdi Surf and Yoga, a clearly reliable source, the most similar fruit to pineapple is a green apple. Both of them even have “apple” in their names. So, would you ever eat a pizza with green apples? If your answer is still yes I’ll include the contact information of a respected psychiatrist at the end of the article. I firmly believe that he has never come across a situation like this one. 

Now, regarding the individual who first put pineapples on pizza, he/she should have a serious consequence. Could be a lifetime supply of pizza WITHOUT PINEAPPLES. Could be to prevent him/her from ever cooking a pizza again. Do you know what is the most frustrating thing of all? When you have no other alternative than to pick out every single pineapple from the pizza. My brothers love it, but then again, they are weird creatures, a different species maybe. When I complain they just say “take the pineapples out, it’s no big deal.” But it’s the big deal. The flavor of the pineapples has already impregnated the pizza, and there is no turning back. The whole pizza has to be eliminated. The wild creatures in my family consume this horrible pizza on a weekly basis. More and more often I think that maybe I’m adopted. Maybe they already got covid and they can’t taste properly. I  do not want to believe they have gone mad, but I have no other choice. 

Santiago DeGrandchant

I’m Santiago de Grandchant, a 16-year-old junior who loves soccer and horseback riding. I am widely regarded as the next Barack Obama although sometimes people confuse me with Schwarzenegger.

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