People always say that the key to a good relationship is communication. But what is communication really? It isn’t just talking, even I can tell you that much.
Good communication is tied to the ability to give your significant other a doorway into your emotional life, not the pretty and organized life, but the dark and awkward side of your psychological personality. A good communicator not only presents this side of himself but also presents it in a way that his partner understands and sympathizes with the ugliest parts of his brain. This, of course, is not easy, which is the reason why most of us are absolutely terrible at communicating. There is so much inside of ourselves that we don’t understand or feel ashamed and so we are terrified at the very notion of presenting that side of ourselves to an outsider whose love we want to maintain. The worst part about it is that we don’t fail to “communicate” these parts of ourselves, we just end up doing it in toxic forms. We “act out”. We go silent or swear uncontrollably or avoid certain subjects. It’s not that we do not want our partners to understand, it’s that we crave love more than we crave understanding. And so when it seems that there is a crossroads at which we believe that we cannot be understood without risking the love our partner feels for us, the truth is sacrificed.
To those who read this and feel identified. Do not worry yourselves too much. The fear that we cannot communicate is controlled by a false presumption which is that we cannot “learn” how to communicate better. The past is not decisive to us, we just need to learn to accept the darkness and present ourselves calmly. Many believe that communication in relationships is something that one knows instinctively at the beginning, but in truth, it is something that we badly need to learn how to do.
